Deeper Issues Part 2

While my earlier post proved to be rather serious and depressing, the emotional roller coaster once again does not stop there! After I blogged this morning, I had a pretty interesting and rewarding day.

I met my peer tutor, a 20 year old Jordanian who is very traditional and from Pakistan. Her name is Doa'a and she is a French and Italian Major. She was very sweet, and a traditional Muslim. She immediately welcomed me and promised my Arabic would improve. She also invited me to her Engagement Party next week, and urged me to come, no questions asked. I found her refreshing and very kind. She was encouraging and is my first official Jordanian girl friend.

After my meeting with Doa'a I had a nice afternoon class and headed home to my apartment. Two of my roommates and I went down the street and grabbed some dinner at a popular Arab Restaurant, which was similar to the American Chuckie Cheese, they had a huge play place and moonbounce, with a big candy and ice cream counter. It was very good, we all ate a ton and grabbed some ice cream to go.

I got home and my roommates and I all vented. We talked about a ton. The annoying kids in the program, how hard it is sometimes here, how the weather is beginning to change, how nice some Jordanian college kids are and rude some others are... the list goes on and on. It was a relief to actually have people understand how I felt, we all seemed to just get it. After venting with my roommates, I began thinking about everything a litte more.

I first want to reiterate the fact that obviously no culture is perfect... my thoughts are not set in stone, they change all the time, in fact, the only thing that is constant here is knowing my emotions are going to be great one minute and hard the next. Just because I've been struggling with some things here doesnt mean I dont love Jordan. If I didnt love the culture, I wouldnt be here, I seriously wouldnt have left America.

The truth is, life here is hard. It's hard being a young independent female in a collective society. It's also hard to be American, I'm use to cultural norms and a lifestyle that is different from any other country in the world. With that being said, yes I am homesick sometimes, who wouldnt be? But other times, I feel like I am suppose to be here, like everything seems to fall into place. I think that this experience is suppose to do that. I think studying abroad is suppose to break you down and make you realize what you have. I think your suppose to miss home and be critical of the new place and culture you've decided to live in. I also think you are suppose to have moments that make everything worth it, that make you love the country you are in, that make you want to stay and meet as many people as you can. Being here, alone has made me feel so lonely, but has also fulfilled me in ways I never thought were possible. The emotional roller coaster has forced me to take the good with the bad, and laugh when I've wanted to cry. This culture is what I am passionate about, and I know, good or bad, its something I really want to pursue in life.

Do I agree with everything here? Of course not... Do I think things are wrong? Yes. But at the end of the day, can I look at America and honestly agree with everything there? No, who can? That's the beauty of America, you're free to believe what you want and find faults in the system. The Middle East is filled with a huge group of people, many of which have been conquered, liberated, displaced, replaced, defended, attacked, used for thousands of years. America is young, so young, compared to this region. Sometimes it's hard to remember that. In America we have so much, here I sometimes feel like Ive been thrown back in time. But, in the long run, Jordan has been around much longer, and so have the people.

I need to remember that while I dont understand Islam, who am I to judge? Until I've talked to women personally about the hijab/head covering, I dont really know the reasons for wearing one. I've done a good amount of reading and observing but I shouldnt just make assumptions. Girls often choose to cover, I shouldnt assume they are all being oppressed. Before I make any judgements, I should ask. In terms of the extremists, well, that again is everywhere, not just here. Just because a fraction of the people are rude doesnt mean it represents the whole society. People in America are rude, and its NOT because you are speaking to them in horribly arabic haha. I should also mention, horrible things have been done in the name of God all over the world and for many different religions, Christianity is no exception. I dont want anyone to think because people do "honor killings" in the name of Islam, that its a normal thing. And so what if people stare, or walk around like they own the country, when Im walking around in public. Even though it may seem wrong by Ameican standards and rude to me, again, who am I to judge. It's the norm here, people must think Im nuts walking really fast to class and trying to get by everyone.

I guess earlier today I felt stuck in a rut. It's frustrating being here sometimes. Arabic is such a hard language and committing to it is a big deal. Getting back to my apartment tonight, I really felt like I was going home... my home farrrr away from home, but still home nevertheless. The experiences I have here are suppose to be hard, they are suppose to make me think and question this culture and my home culture. While I do miss things from home, I am no where near ready to come home. This is a challenge for me, a challenge I welcome with open arms, an open mind and an open heart. I hope everyone reading my blog will keep that same open mind too, because while this culture and it's people are no where near perfect, neither is our culture... and at the end of it all, who has the right to judge who?

I'm looking forward to a nice weekend in Amman.... there's a big parade and festival in the city that we all are thinking about going to, Im sure I will have stories.... until then goodnight!