Confronting Deeper Issues

So I guess I am experiencing the "lull" of my study abroad experience. Before I left, I was shown a graph of how emotionally people experience being abroad. Basically you start out really excited and the first few weeks are amazing so you're not homesick and you have all these new experiences so things are great. Then... you hit rock bottom. You realize you've been here a good amount of time and you've done a lot, but you still have a while to go. Residents in my program call it "culture shock" or "confronting deeper issues". During this point, you feel confused, annoyed, homesick and tired. Maybe it's because you realize "hey this is ACTUALLY my life right now, I'm in a foreign country, this is not a vacation" or because you feel like you've been away from home for a lot longer than you actually have, either way, it's hard to realize that you're struggling.

Maybe it's because I STILL feel sick, so I am not 100 percent. Or because other kids in my program are starting to verbally acknowledge the fact that we still have a little over 2 months to go. Maybe it's because classes are getting hard, the work is increasing and my internship is intense, but whatever it is, I am currently stressed out with Amman and missing the comforts of America.

So I guess I thought I would confront my deeper issues through my blog (haha sorry this is a more serious post):

- I feel like Arabs have three views of Americans: One, they want to marry you and think you are a moviestar or they just really want a visa into the states. Two, they are hospitable and pleased that you are in Amman learning the language and culture, this is of course the best group of people because they are genuine and very supportive. Three, they dont like the fact you are here, they believe American's are ignorant and want to "westernize" this culture. These people make fun of the fact that you speak arabic horribly and are often rude when you try to immerse yourself in the culture, I really dislike these types of people and am tired of running into them. By no means are Americans perfect, but Ive found that sterotypes are an issue here, and blantant hatred for no real reason is a trend with some Arabs who dont want to give foreigners the time of day.

- Going off on the types of Arabs here who really wish you werent around, I've found people in public here are rude. They lack "common manners" that I figured were a part of every society. Basically no one gets out of the way when you walk, people stare ( I am SO tired of the staring, really its gotten so old), people stop and congregate in the the middle of sidewalks and dont move if you say "excuse me" in Arabic or English. Basically, everyone only thinks about themselves and what they want at the time. People will walk up to cabs that you hail for yourself and just get in, no questions asked. I know I am typically on a college campus, and there are a ton of people, but I guess I've always experienced a "give and take" when dealing with public courtesy. Here, I am so annoyed because I feel like Im always walking through mazes of people, that dont move and instead give me intense stare downs...its really a "my way" type of thinking with most people here. They dont care at all what you need or where you are going, they just look out for themselves. The other day for example I was lost on campus and calling a friend for help, a group of arab girls were sitting there laughing at me and mimicking my voice. They all could have easily said, "hey are you lost? let me help you" but no. I just feel like public courtesy is nonexistent.

- I have a number of HUGE issues with the way women are treated over here. Why is it that a man can date, go out, hit on girls (rudely and openly), have pre-martial sex (which is encouraged) but girls are suppose to be covered, quiet, look at the ground, not socialize with boys, and if, IF they have any interaction that is viewed as negative, they can be shamed from the family or killed. I am taking a feminist class here, and honestly, I leave each day sick to my stomach about how poorly women are treated here. No religion is perfect, and people practice Islam very differently here, there are of course extremeists, but how can you justify a father or brother killing a daughter simply because she talks to a man.... these are known as "honor killings" and they happen when the family thinks the daughter has "shamed" the family's name. I just dont understand why men are encouraged to have sex, and women are killed for simple actions like speaking, or going out with a member of the opposite sex. The range of women you see here doesnt help. Some are totally covered, from head to toe in black veils, others veil their head and dress modestly, some veil their head but dress sexy, in high heels, full make up, tight jeans and fitted tops, and then of course you see girls dressing very western. The problem is you have girls and families that are very modern, and others that are so traditional. I just cant get over the range and all the different "interpretations" of Islam... to me it seems more like 5 or 6 religions than 1.... thats where a huge problem lies, things are done in the name of Islam ( ex sept 11) and the whole muslim society is lumped together. The range of muslims is wide and extremists often give bad names for the whole. The whole range of women is crazy too, some are totally covered and dont speak in public, while others are flirting and very social, both may call themselves muslim, so why is one girl totally oppressed? Anyways, I really miss being able to walk around looking where ever I please, without being called at and not looking at the ground. Women here are objects, and its not fair. Arab guys tend to think the Western looking girls are "fast and loose" with no morals, I honestly cant blame them with all the junk they see on TV. But it makes it hard for us here, the men are rude because they believe we ALL act like the girls they see on TV and the women dont like us, because we steal the attention of the men. Its such a vicious cycle.

- As for the food... well its good, but after the first 3 weeks you get so tired of it. I would give anything for some American food... I really miss it.

- Some of the kids in my program are really great, but others, I can not stand. This program is competitive and the kids here come from some BIG name schools, however many are ignorant and seem to think that "Jordan is lucky to have them here". When really WE are lucky to be here studying. Im tired of listening to political conversations, economic conversations and conversations about how "the middle east would be so much better if x,y and z". I really came here to live the culture and learn the language, not to Westernize the people or to force my American ideas or opinions on them. Its hard when some of my peers try to do so, and prove to be very ethnocentric. I just wish people would stop trying to impose Western standards. I guess I am frustrated with a lot of the people around me, and sometimes am embarrassed to be "an American".

While I know I will remember this experience my whole life, it's hard right now. It's hard because I miss home and living the American Dream. I'm having a hard time with this culture but also the american culture Im currently surrounded by. I really am just ready for the weekend and I just really want to feel better. Good news is my roommate's Dad is coming to visit next week, so it will be nice to interact with someone from home (that isnt in my program) and he's taking us all out to dinner (hopefully somewhere expensive haha). On that note, I got to go get lunch before the rest of my classes. Ma'salaama